So I was talking to a girl at work. She asked me what was the longest I've ever been in a relationship. I said 6 weeks. It shocked her. Then the truth came out. I'm not afraid of committment, I'm just afraid of trust. I choose not to commit though. It's easier not to attatch. It got to the point of my saying something that I have never told anyone...
The first girl I ever really liked was someone I had thought was so special that I worked to achieve for a long time. We had our 6 weeks, then things ended terribly fast. It crushed me. That was almost 7 years ago and I still have not gotten over it. I've had countless relationships since and I choose not to commit to any of them. I simply wait for each to end in which they do very shortly.
Because I still love that first girl. I'd never meet a girl like her. Of coarse she doesn't know it. My best friends couldn't even guess within 100 miles of it. I never even see her. I've seen her a total of 2 times since this event. Like as in, face to face. I've spoken to her several times.
I think she feels that she owes me love from someone. Several accounts where I'd try to get to the hospital to see a girlfriend or something and she'd offer me a ride that I couldn't take. Because I never cared about anyone else.
3 times I have been cheated on by girlfriends and I can honestly say that I never cared. I never felt such a pain as I felt the day she broke up with me. Even tonight, I feel as if she did it today. I'd never tell her or interfere with her fate. I feel she has found the guy for her. He's a great guy.
But I still love her. It wasn't some middle school puppy love to me. Those were the happiest days of my life and here I am at age 20 still feeling the love. I know I hold the recipe for quick break ups. She was my silver lining in the hell I call FCS.
She's my butterfly effect. If only I had done things differently.
-jeff