I cannot stand still

My mom doesn't know this, or has at least spoken about it. But I have been depressed lately. It not some biological thing that I'd need zannax for or whatever. It's not like I don't know why. I know exactly why. I'm pissed off because I'm in stinking texas while I should be in the big windy city. I miss the city life and even though I was only there for a month, a month is plenty of time to fall in love.
While being depressed won't help my life, I decided to counter this feeling. I decided that I am a man that needs many cultures. Wanting to be a journalist, this goes with the career. I've wondered for a long time about living abroad. Not temporarily. Well, yeah just not coming back. You know how a frenchman comes to live in the states. How many Americans go live in other countries? I dunno, that just excites me.
My plan is to finish my AA here which will be about a year, then go to UNT or Austin and try hard to get into a Californian school or north eastern school for grad school. While I know for grad school it wouldn't be terribly hard to get into, but I need to find a way to pay a full ride. I've learned what happens when you get into college but don't have enough money to pay for college.
But yes, I'm compiling a list of places I want to live in. Not wanting to get married until around 35 or so will help me in that area. I dunno, I just want to complete my life goals like college, gold medal, becoming president of the united states... you know stuff life that.
Plus when it comes to family, I don't want to have to worry about being able to afford it. Plus, at 21 I still have years of maturing and growing up to do. I have no idea what it takes to raise a family and I don't want to fail.

Ince the dawn of time...

There has never been such an exciting and breathtaking presidential election. Never has a black man had such a chance at electing and never before has there been a reason to stop him from it not having to do with the color of his skin.
Frankly, I dislike the man and not only hope he loses the race but drops out of Illinois politics. He will only hurt the state further more. However, this race is dearly exciting. The cons of the media is being greatly displayed and the average person will no longer be such a drone to the media.
For the first time in history the average person will decide their presidential choice without the persuasion of the media. The media will also need great shaping to remain, well, the media. Never has politics been spoken about so rigorously.
My views are as important as the next mans and I believe that we don't even know how incredible the choice and timing of Palin is or will be for quite some time.

So I am going to go on the record now

Here it is, ever since Huckabee was deemed out of the race for presidency, I have been fustrated at politics. This was seeming too much like the 2004 election. I see it as either way, we are screwed and things will on get worse. I'm so fed up with the two party system. If I EVER run for any kind of office at all whether it is the PTA or God of the universe, I will do it as an independant.
This whole time, I was only going to vote McCain because I know a few chief justices are about to retire and I'd much rather have prolife chief justices than pro choice.

But then, it came time for the VP choices. Obama chose Liden who has been sitting idly by for a long time now. He has years, not experience. Anyways, then McCain announced Palin. Sarah Palin. While I had no idea who she is, I looked anything and everything I could find on the woman.
Then it dawned on me: she doesn't need to be in the white house, we need her to be in the white house. We need her right now. Someone who is more than talk, someone who will give you change before they tell you they will. Someone who will not buy into dirty politics like Obama has in Chicago.
We need our streets cleaned and our economy stronger. She is our hope, and her being a woman makes this so much better. A woman doing this, man I hope she becomes president some day.

Oh poor me...

"Oh that I am a soldier
Everybody must and will be a soldier

I, poor creature, worn out with scibbling for my bread and my liberty, low in spirits and weak in health, must leave others to wear the laurels."

-John Adams

to my dearest friend

I will never forget this time we had together,
you were a great companion.
too bad you never know that I was coming back
for you
little do we know that I am coming back for more
than Eden.

one question....

Ok, so I've been a fan of super chick for so long that I remember seeing them live before they ever got famous. I mean, way back in 2000. Back before they ever had a hit single or before they made a music video or Sony ever knew who they were.
But then this last song, "HOLD" was so incredibly beasty. It was so incredible. I dunno, they change their style so many times in a single cd that you can't say what their style is. But man, that song was a HUGE step into mainstream rock. Which is cool.
-jeff

Trip to the audiology office

So I journeyed to this office in the hot sun and did I mention the heat? Haha, it was a very texan heat. I did get lost. I journeyed to the office and did a hearing test. My results were very similar to the hearing at meps, well if you average it all out. I felt confident this was accurate because she used 3 different tones. I did pretty ok with the low bass tone and the sound that makes "ooo" sound. It's the high pitch where I lose it in the middle. Then she did a hearing test where the computer says words at where my hearing suppose to be. I did pretty bad at that and told her it was too loud and my brain kind of scrambles the sound trying to keep from it. That test caused a headache that I felt coming due to dehydration. I'm bad at not drinking water unless I work out. So when it's just hot and I hadn't eaten during that day... I won't drink. Which sucks.
Her last test was a organ test. This one is a vibration test. She seriously though I would do better on this due to having tinitus means it wouldnt block out these sounds. I score about the same on this test. Maybe it was my hair, maybe I'm just special.
I told her it has to be genetic. My oldest sister has some hearing loss, and my father's hearing is worse than mine. I showed her my hearing aids and etc. I told her that I came because the army told me to seek an evaluation from a civilian audiologist to request a waiver.
She was professional about it and told me she won't say yes or no until finds out what my job will have to deal with hearing wise. Will I be able to wear hearing aids and etc. So I had her call my recruiter and from then on it is out of my hands. After my recruiter talked to her, he told me he could get me in by wednesday but I don't know. I think the most important thing would have to be is to get in period even if the waiver takes 2 months.
I've spent more time with the recruiters than my own mother here in Texas. Then I ship out Thursday? Which means I will only have a few days left with my mom before it's off to the army I go? I won't be able to see my cousin get married and find out how it is that my cousin is even getting married. I mean how does this happen?
So as of today, my enlisting is in my recruiters hands. I did the test, I got the evaluation, it is up to him to get me in. I don't care what he does or who he talks to. I just need him to get me in. If not then like my dad said...
"hope for the best but expect the worst."

The longest day known to man

I went to meps yesterday. Anyone who has ever been enlisted or commissioned into any branch of the Armed forces whether it was for a ROTC schollarship or it was for the draft back in Nam' has their own story of this being the longest day known to man.
I wake up at 4 am, get ready and am downstairs within 5 minutes. I wait in a long line to eat powdered eggs and a piece of either over cooked or undercooked "sausage" but I rejoice because food is food and I hadn't had much of it the day before. Then I wait in another line to get on one of 2 charter busses. I'm just now started to realize that today will be more about waiting in line than anything else.
Once at meps, I get into a column and have 2 soldiers yelling at us. I think they forget that as of today, we are still civilians. There's not much they could do to us. What? Kick us out of meps, I'll just come back tomorrow.
We go through the whole check point and bag search phase and lock our bags into a locker. After that I go to wait in line. This is when a nurse asks for info from me. Then I go to take an eye exam which I get 20/20 vision and no colorblindness.
After that I go to wait in line, then do the urine sample, then another line to get blood drawn, then another to have an interview with a doctor. He asks questions and etc. I was told after this interview that I could slip on my hearing aids to cheat on the hearing test. Not by the doctor nor by my recruiter. Just a few other people I talked to about this. Do I do this? No, I am noble and know there are waivers for hearing loss.
So I go in to take the test and we find it that I sucked pretty bad at the test. I'm talking I got a 50 decimal range in a few spots. I took another and my hearing shifted pretty drastically. Parts where I did good the first time, I did bad in and parts where I did bad in the first time I did good in. I know I have bad hearing, I won't lie to you. But those tests aren't accurate. I know that. Because I hear much better than those tests show.
So then after that, I go through the whole flex tests and such. I get out at 11 and find that because of the hearing I am disqualified. For some reason the Sgt. who issued the test writes "not recommended waiver" when the only thing she is allowed to do is request me for another doctor interview. She was getting on my nerves, she kept saying that I have speech impairment and that I have a tube in my ear drum. I told her I didn't and it is probably genetic and she said that I'm lying and wrote me up for fraudulent enlistment. But I wasn't lying and the doctor proved it by scoping my ears. She probably just hates her job, being an E-5, she act like a drill sgt. She was spending more time complaining and yelling at people than actually doing her damn job. She knew nothing about the causes of hearing loss, it makes me wonder how she got stuck with working at MEPS... I mean who joins the military to work at meps? I think it's a punishment job.
Anyways, so after that I turn in the papers to the army command center at meps and they tell me to see an audiologist for a full evaluation and whatever the audiologist says will go. That is what I will be doing in about an hour. My recruiter has high hopes because my asvab score is so high. I also don't have any criminal history, or any other physical dissabilities. My job won't be on the front lines and *bing* I have heairing aids to wear to work. So hopefully I get that waiver before my ship out date. Oh and guess when that is. It's in 6 days. I need that waiver in 5 days from now. So if you crop out the weekend, I litterally have 3 days to get that waiver. Once I give my recruiter the letter of recomendation from the audiologist, it will be all him. He told me he could get it by Tuesday so lets see how this works out.
If not by wednesday, then I will miss my ship out date and have to wait untill late December, early January to ship. Which is a long long time from now. But on the bright side, I will be able to go to my cousins wedding. What do I do if they reject my waiver? Oh I go back to my hopes and dreams of finding a way to pay for school.
Note to self: start a flipping college fund for my kids before they are even born.
I'm serious, college is hard enough to get into, but have you seen how hard it is to pay for college? I want to write for a living, be a journalist and if that means I have to join the army and be all I can be then I will do it.
I'm excited either way, I think they have it all wrong though. Because it's not in the constitution that the army has to let you fight for america then they say being a soldier isn't a right, it's a privilage. Which is cool in some sense, but the constitution says it IS our GOD GIVEN right to fight for our freedom.
That's why John Adams, a lawyer and political figure, said "what makes a man a soldier? Is it his rifle? Is it his courage? Or is it the fact that he will protect his country and its freedom no matter what? In that, I think I am a soldier."
Which I agree with, too bad politicians don't care about that anymore. Just money and votes.
Why was MEPS the longest day ever? Because I was done at 11 AM and do you know what time I was allowed to leave the waiting room? 5 PM. In a hard chair with little sleep the night before for 6 hours. Not fun, but hey... it's meps and I will never have to go through all of that again... until I ship out.
-jeff

I've neglected to talk to...

Well, as it seems... no one.
It's been months and I am trapped in my own little world. I get distracted and have yet to customize and personalize this blogger. The truth is, I'm bound by my work and have little time to discuss my philosophies and politics on this thing.
So what is new? I leave to see my mom in 6 days. I couldn't be more excited. I miss mom. I miss her so much, the hardest year of my entire life I saw her for 3 days. It sucked but I couldn't take any time off work. But as it turns out, this is going to be a much harder year.
The only thing that separates this year from last is that I am ready for this year. I am a true champ. Securing financial aid was no easy task last week. My father told me to come home and try the army. I told him that I will not give up, If all I can pay for is tuition and book then I will live on the streets and work for food. Nothing is going to stand in my way this time.
As it turns out, I got the money I needed.
Chicago is fun, it is a great city. Every day I find something new to enjoy about it. Tonight was very cold though. The wind dropped it down to the 60s. That's cold where I come from for August.
Hmm, I'm taking Arabic for language arts this semester. That is cool. There are very many arabic people in Chicago. Not in Fayetteville, too many army guys down there. It'd be a bar fight waiting to happen.
I've changed alot since I last posted. Moving does that to a guy. Especially when he moves on his own to a city he knows nothing about with very little money. But I'm good. I miss a few friends. It's hard to find someone I can trust up here. I already have trust issues and trust absolutly no one in my family and very few people back at home. It's not like I don't love them. Just, there's so much history that I find it hard to trust people.
But there is someone I wish I was still friends with. I could use her advice right now. I really could. It has more to do with a paper I'm writing that me moving. But I guess it all comes down to there not being people I trust up here and doing a paper on summer of 06. I hate summer of 06.
-jeff

so as it shows, I leave in 9 days. yay




'nuff said

I guess it's pretty fair to say that writing on this thing is a lost cause for me. I write too much to keep track of a blog. Well, Jeff's a big boy now. He opened his first checking account. It's pretty funny that it took 20 years for me to finally get around to it. I've never had use for it. I've always used cash. But moving to chicago and close to 3 grand in my bank makes me not want to use cash anymore.
Yeah I move in 16 days. I have 8 days left at red robin. I'm happier than you will ever know. I can't honestly stand working there anymore. I think it's a fayetteville thing. Everywhere I work is full of the laziest people in the world. It makes sense because anyone who wants to create a name for theirself gets the hell out of this city.
Someone asked me why I'm going to Chicago. I told them, "because I couldn't think of a school that's further from this city." The only thing is that I know no one in Chicago. No one. I can't even go to a party unless I arrive with someone I know. Just because I don't want to not have someone to talk to.
So in just a little more than 2 weeks from now, I will be hopping on a plane and heading to Chicago. To start a new life. To create a new jeff. To make my name stand out. I can't wait.

You know how you go through like a week of really really bad days and then you have a day (or night) that feels like it does when you come out of a hang over? You can finally open your eyes and turn your music up and live again.
That happened to me today. I've been so frustrated and down for so long that I have grown comfortable with it all. There's a phrase that I follow and excuse me for the language:

"Shit rolls downhill."

I'm often reminded that I am sending myself into dept by chasing a career that I am only promised 3 things. 1 I will work hard. 2 I will work long hours. 3 I will work for very low pay. But I always remind those people. I buss tables 6 hours a day and 7 days a week for $6.15 an hour. I've worked where I work longer and I work harder than most of the people and all but 1 manager. I don't seek money, because I know stray when I make too much. I lust nice things if I have the money to pay for them and I get in trouble if I have too much time on my hands. I plan to die in dept. After all, the world ends the year I graduate. Haha
Here's the deal, every day was the same for me. I wake up, I go to work then I come home and turn on the tv while I put whatever tips I made in the day in a rubber band. You'd laugh if you saw how much I had rolled up.
People wouldn't come into work and I'd work twice as hard, people get fired and I work twice as hard, people call in at the last second and I work twice as hard. I would never tell my kids to work in the food industry. Retail is where it's at. Well, my daughters would work in retail and I'd almost force my sons into the food industry. Oh and by the way, fast food in no way counts. Taking orders is like being a hostess. You're stealing money, a card board cut out that says "please seat yourself" can replace you. All I have to worry about are the mexicans.

Then this prodicle son returned to his family tonight. My friends. The good kind. Oh buddy it was great. I had a REALLY bad day. Not 1 but 2 people didn't make it to work. So I had to work twice as hard twice as much. Yeah that makes perfect sense. On a sunday I usually chill and only work 1 till 4. But for the past 3 weeks sunday has become 11 till 5. All because people call in and well, shit rolls downhill.

But after work I returned to manna church. haha, my hair was short a gelled the last time I walked through those doors. People had coats on and were saying marry christmas. Lol, well not that long ago but they were wearing jackets and maybe saying "Happy V-day."
I was expecting a few nods. But it was alot more than that. Hugs and WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN. I could only reply with, "busy being a prodicle son."

So my life has been a long college prank. You know that prank where you break into your friends room and move his junk only an inch every 2 weeks. Then by the end of the semester, his bed is across the room and he NEVER noticed then it finally hits him, "wasn't my stuff over by the window, I remember it being by the window..."

But yeah, that has been my life. I slipt so little and over such a loooong point in time that I never even notice. When did I start from my up high peak of being close to God and then on the very slow path to where I am now? October 15, 2001. No joke.... you broke my heart!

Haha, if you ever saw accepted you'll know what I mean. But the date is real. That's where I started on this road. But it's time to hit the road on the right path. Tonight was a great night! I can once again open my eyes and turn up the music. I can live again. Just in time too... I'm 8 shining weeks away from hopping on a plane and heading to Chicago. Boy, I can't wait for this. It still feels like yesterday that I got hit by a hand full of pennies by my best friend that knocked out a tooth.
This thanksgiving I will be will family in Tennessee. I hadn't seen my cousins in forever. So I hope this works out. I was always closer to them than I ever was with my sisters. I dunno, I just think women are wierd and adding my fathers bipolar gene and my mom um... plain crazies gene that seemed to hit everyone but me makes my family one for the books.
Oh and I still think they found me in a dumpster in Germany. Guten tug (means nothing in any language) haha
-jeff

so the thing is that I got the money and making the 750 in time. Once I do that, if I do that, then it'll mean I made and saved 1900 in a month. Which if you know me, is alot. I'll make it. I have 4 weeks. I have $100. Well, 77 but I'll have 100 by tomorrow night.
But ehhhh enough about finances. I leave in 9 1/2 weeks. I'm stoked!
-jeff

So it is quite apparent that I leave this town on July 19th. Ok so the cost for housing is biting me in the butt. Ok 2 weeks ago I had to put down a $500 deposit for the fall. Then for the bridge program I have to put down $500 this friday then $750 by June 9th. I just have a simple question....
DO THEY THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY???
Sigh, I paid the last one on my last pay check and now this one. I'll be making $250ish. And that's just half. It's due in 3 days. Well, welcome to adulthood. Haha, so I'll see what happens.
-jeff

So I was talking to a girl at work. She asked me what was the longest I've ever been in a relationship. I said 6 weeks. It shocked her. Then the truth came out. I'm not afraid of committment, I'm just afraid of trust. I choose not to commit though. It's easier not to attatch. It got to the point of my saying something that I have never told anyone...
The first girl I ever really liked was someone I had thought was so special that I worked to achieve for a long time. We had our 6 weeks, then things ended terribly fast. It crushed me. That was almost 7 years ago and I still have not gotten over it. I've had countless relationships since and I choose not to commit to any of them. I simply wait for each to end in which they do very shortly.
Because I still love that first girl. I'd never meet a girl like her. Of coarse she doesn't know it. My best friends couldn't even guess within 100 miles of it. I never even see her. I've seen her a total of 2 times since this event. Like as in, face to face. I've spoken to her several times.
I think she feels that she owes me love from someone. Several accounts where I'd try to get to the hospital to see a girlfriend or something and she'd offer me a ride that I couldn't take. Because I never cared about anyone else.
3 times I have been cheated on by girlfriends and I can honestly say that I never cared. I never felt such a pain as I felt the day she broke up with me. Even tonight, I feel as if she did it today. I'd never tell her or interfere with her fate. I feel she has found the guy for her. He's a great guy.
But I still love her. It wasn't some middle school puppy love to me. Those were the happiest days of my life and here I am at age 20 still feeling the love. I know I hold the recipe for quick break ups. She was my silver lining in the hell I call FCS.
She's my butterfly effect. If only I had done things differently.
-jeff

Yes sir,
I very well accept that I have been neglecting to write in this and inform the willing world of my constant battles I like to call life. It's pretty simple. I'm busy.
I have exams coming up and I thought high school exams were tough. As I get out for the summer, I will get more hours at work to keep myself busy. Work is a bitch and I hate it. But I love the people and I'm making ok money so I can't complain.
Oh Vanessa Carlton came to our dogwood festival to sing and she said "fuck it." I had to laugh. That was her motivation for her 3rd most famous song. Then a train passed by making alot of raquet and she paused in the middle of her most famous song. There were a couple thousand people in that festival center watching. But most were jailbait.
I tried to find a friend, liz, but she sort of blended in being 17, blonde, and from terry sandford. But I ran into a few people. Someone that drives me mad every time I see her. But I can't talk to her. All we have is a long ride on the chicago train.
But besides all that jazz, I find out in 2 weeks if I leave the 19th of July or late August. I hope it's in August but I can go either way. I just can't wait to leave this sorry excuse for a town. My cross is that I've gotten too involved with the politics of this town.
Oh, and I got a speeding ticket on the way back from Charlotte. I was going 70 on a 55. Hey, it wasn't my fault. Ok maybe a little.
I'm gunna go meet up with some friends and see Baby Mama now. Tina Fey is funny.

The date of my department of this town is coming near and I have to be bluntly honest with you . Something that I never type nor write to myself in honesty. But I want myself to look back at this entry in 4 years and remember exactly how intense I felt this emotion. It's not a vague emotion but very detailed to the core. I want to remember that I felt this emotion and kept moving the ball up the field anyways...

I'm shitting my pants in sweaty quaking fear.

I'm getting my first tattoo to express the feeling I got after being accepted into every school I applied for. But more importanly I got into J-school at Columbia. So July 19th I will be making a move to the big city.
I accepted that I was in the bottom class. If 6 people pass a test it won't be me. But so far, college has proved that once I started actually trying, I am one of those 6 who pass. With a B in fact.
But that was a while ago and I've done great ever since. I write because I promised that every time something big happens, I would write about it. So yeah, I have been accepted by the Columbia and I'm leaving this town in 109 days.

Today, dad bought a large fish tank. So I guess that ends his battle of thinking about moving. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Fish just aren't my thing. But I may make it my thing due to fish being the only kind of animal that Columbia will allow in the apartments.
Saving money is getting hard with Red Robin cutting into my pay bit by bit thinking I have no idea. The only reason I can't just take them to court with receipts of how many hours I work and how many they pay me for is that it will cost alot more to take them to court than I would make. Plus the large hassle.
So I keep at being a slave for $6.15 an hour. I'd never recommend another to work there. Nor will any of the other guys who've been there for a while. I've only grown to like one of the managers. But I have nothing bad to say about the others. Talking negatively about my employers isn't my thing because it would not be fare to them. I don't think they hold blogs about how much their employees put them through. So I don't.
I've never grown to like anyone I've ever worked for. I often feel used and well under paid. I'd ask for a raise but I've been told that they cannot afford it. That's ok. I feel like moving into retail and I bet target can afford me.
I hear back from Columbia on wednesday. I get extremely nervous every time I think about it. I'm totally confident but if for some reason, they say no, then I will not know what to do. I'd have to finish out my term in fayetteville and transfer somewhere else. I would not like that. I'd hate it. I want to leave this town as soon as possible. I don't want to be one of those people who work for the city or retail at 45 years old make 30 k a year a double mortgage because that's all I can do.
I'm better than that. I want to rise to the top or die doing what I love. The fact that I've had a gun pointed to me twice in my life and neither time I was afraid makes me think I'm gunna get cocky some day and get shot in the face.
Well, this has been quite full of random ramblings because I don't have much on my agenda besides saving money, paying bills, school, work, and doing whatever the hell it is that I do on my free time.
But the stories will pan out as events come up, such as being accepted and all the things on the agenda after that.
-jeff
PS you'll never see the word "very" used by a professional writer. Because it is not professional. However I am no pro so I will use it very often. I also use apostrophes which also happens to be very informal.

I decided to start a new blogger. To be honest, I've been blogging for maybe 6 years on xanga and their "upgrade" drove me to find another blog site so I've come to blogger for escape.
Plus I have accepted the this will begin a new chapter in my life. Well, not the blog starting it but the new blog being the written proof that I have started my next chapter.
So every time that I need to do some hardcore thinking and just get away from the busy life of being a student and working at red robin, I take a walk at the cape fear river trail.
It seams that every time I hit a new chapter, it's there. I can't explain the feeling of walking that 8 mile trail.
I am ending my last semester in fayetteville attending a community college and then I will be packing my bags and heading to the big city. I journey to chicago to "learn how to give and take."
I will be heading to a liberal arts college.
I'm excited. I have some fears of the unknown. But that's never stopped me in what I want. I could say that, "I have faith God will provide." But honestly, I don't believe in that cliche. I don't think God will provide nor has he before in my life. Not very many good things have come from god into my life.
But those words shall be shared on another day.
-jeff